Saturday, January 31, 2009

A moment hidden in my heart...

Let us be silent that we may hear
the whisper of God. -Emerson


Why adoption you might ask? Seriously, our kids are older (12, 10, 7) so we are out of the "baby" stage. We have zero for a baby, I've given it all away. Why start all over? Sleepless nights, diapers, bottles, less freedom, car seats, child proofing, diaper bags, baby food and various other things that I'm probably forgetting that are needed for a happy baby. All of which make me giddy. Tired, but giddy. Love it. Love the idea. Can't wait! Sure I could be nuts. That's okay if you think so, it doesn't hurt my feelings. Honest. I have my moments where I too think I might be nuts. ha ha!

I really do believe that this is God inspired. I believe at one particular moment in time God whispered in my ear and hid this desire in my heart. I know because, I know the moment it happened. Kyle and I have gone twice on a short-term mission trip to Sao Paulo, Brazil to work with an amazing group of people, Restoration Ministries. We left a piece of our hearts in Brazil each time with the families and children we met there. We love our Brazilian Brothers and Sisters and try to keep in contact with them. We hope to return again in the near future.

There was this one day in particular while we were working at the day center doing a vacation Bible school. I met the most beautiful brown-eyed little girl. She was shy. She would peek at me, but wasn't interested in coming to close. I would smile and wave and she'd look away. I was busy working, but was so drawn to this little girl I'd stop and try to get her smile every time I'd walk by. I was determined to get her to smile. Finally she warmed up to me and came and sat in my lap, we played and laughed. After awhile I hugged her and took her back to her Mother. When I did, I casually said to her Mom that I loved her daughter and I could just take her home with me. That was translated and the Mother said something back in Portuguese and handed her daughter back to me. Puzzled I looked for the translation and was told she says, "Please, please take her". It was like I had been punched in the stomach, I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. I know a nervous laugh came out of my mouth and I acted as if the Mother was just joking around with me. All the while fully knowing she was serious. If there had been a legal way to do so, she would have.

I have never seen that despair and anguish close up. The pain of a Mother who can not provide the life she wants for her child. A Mother who is uncertain where the next meal is coming from or how much longer they will have a roof over their head. I cried that night when we got back to our hotel. I cried not just for the beautiful brown eyed little girl I fell in love with, but for every child I met that day and the hardships their families face daily. I could not do one thing to better their life here on this earth. I felt helpless. I couldn't change their horrible living conditions, I couldn't provide nourishment to their hungry belly's on a daily basis, and I couldn't stay and daily show them the love they missed and desperately needed. I was only in the country for 10 days. I could do so little.

However, I do believe at that very moment God whispered to me there would be one I could help. One I would love and call my own. To wait for God's timing, but there would be one. Shortly after we returned from Brazil we thought it was going to be a 16 year old girl we met named Nina. I thought that was who God was calling us to bring to our home. We were ready to be Nina's parents. We were ready to bring her to live with us. However, it wasn't God's will. The Brazilian government would not let it happen. We were so sad. We thought we were doing God's will. Again God said to wait there would be one.

God opened my eyes to the poverty and despair in Brazil so that my heart would softened to it everywhere. So that when the time came I'd listen to God's gentle nudging. So that I'd keep the dialog open with Kyle about the topic so that one day he too would again feel the pull of God's calling. He did. God said there would be one, and we believe there is. When we read of the heart breaking need for adoptive parents in Ethiopia, our hearts jumped knowing this was what God was meaning for us. And here we are today. We are ready to bring home a baby boy from Ethiopia. We can't wait!